My heart's still beating

With my birthday coming up on Monday, I decided to do some much needed writing and reflection.
This was my conclusion:

I want to be patient, kind, self-controlled, and non-judgmental.
I don't think we always really know what God is doing in our lives. He keeps mystery and faith alive. His ways are better, and I'm trying to follow. I need Him, but I don't always understand what the heck is even going on in my life. I guess as long as my heart is beating and I wake up each day, He's got more planned for me on this Earth. I want to be aware, engaged, and awakened to His love and grace. I want my life to reflect the life and comfort He brings to me. I want others to experience that too.

I'm okay with where I'm at, but I would always welcome more. More adventure, more love, more experience in God's presence, more of myself giving to others.

Bring the opportunities God. May the fear of my flesh just be a guide to show me where to go and what I really need to do; moment by moment.

More healing.
More freedom.
More faith.

The "BOX" and Showing Up

"Sometimes the bravest and most important thing to do is just show up." -Brene Brown, from her book, Daring Greatly

Showing up can be so difficult sometimes.
Gosh, I feel that tension so much in my life, day to day.
Especially at my job.
It can feel so uncomfortable at times, and I struggle to just show up.
I'm looking for a new job, though I've learned and grown a lot at this one, I'm ready for something new.
This post is not about my job...so moving on.


I wonder where else I need to show up.
I feel this tension with new experiences.
In the last year or so, I have been receiving this message internally and externally from certain people that I am in a box....or that I need to get out of the box. What the heck is "the box?!!!" Who determines "the box?"
Am I in it or not? I don't really know to be honest, because it is so ambiguous.

                                                       ^ My artistic interpretation...from my journal

I really can't stand this talk about a damn box!
Since when did a box become the measure for if you are interesting, fun, adventurous, or worthy?
Damn this box!

                                                          ^ This is how I feel about the box.

I have gone beyond my expectations for myself in many ways.
I have challenged myself a lot and gone places and met people that I never would have imagined.
And I'm only 25.
So, anyone that has the tenacity to even say that I am in a box, doesn't even know who I am or what I've been through or done in my life thus far.
There are certainly more places I will go and people I will meet in my life.
But I am where I am right now.
I'm learning and growing, and that's all that matters.
Really, all that matters is that I am loved by my God, worthy and enough.
I'll go where He leads, and pray that I would go with strength and confidence from Him.

Maybe I got some tough experiences ahead or reality checks that will hit me like a ton of bricks, but my God will bring me to that place and guide me in that tension.
We all come from different cultures, environments, mindsets, personalities....thank God we do.
What's challenging for one, may not be for another.
Check yourself before you call somebody else out.
Show grace.

Probably the most challenging thing for me right now is just to come to a place of rest and peace in my heart and mind with where I am and what I'm doing.
Finding peace in not knowing what's next, being mindful of my insecurities, wants, needs....
challenging myself to try new things, having grace for myself when I'm scared or angry at myself or others, and having hope for a good future.

That's courage.
I am okay.
I am being brave, even in the mundane.
This is my ordinary, extraordinary life.
It's my life.
No glitz and glamour.
No high dives or jumping from a plane at this point in time.
Just leaps of faith to be okay with myself, love and care for myself and others, and showing up everyday.

Not an easy task.
Not for the weak.